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Problems? Why Yes, I Can Provide Those

Problems? Why Yes, I Can Provide Those

→  June 19, 2009 31

It’s really too bad,  you know?  I had a decent shot at being normal.  My childhood had all the ingredients to cook up a perfectly functional adult woman.  I spent my days running a successful lemonade stand on our dead end street, eating Leave It To Beaver family dinners, and following my dad around in sweet [...]

Dear Me 10 Years Ago,

Dear Me 10 Years Ago,

→  June 16, 2009 41

So I cleaned out my garage. I know you’re thinking that sounds a little over ambitious, especially for me, however, I haven’t been able to park inside of it since I moved in two years ago.  This also wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that when it rains, my car floods.  [...]

Dear ESSENCE Magazine,

Dear ESSENCE Magazine,

→  June 11, 2009 39

You’ve been appearing in my mailbox for going on 4 months now.  I called you, and like a red-headed stepchild you said you had nothing to do with it, which I think might just be a bold-faced lie from the pits of hell.  You told me to send an email to cancel the subscription I never ordered, and [...]

Restless Heart: A Charming Tale Of Time Wasted

Restless Heart: A Charming Tale Of Time Wasted

→  June 9, 2009 25

Several years ago, I received a book in the mail on my birthday.  I hate birthdays, but I love books.  So you can imagine my elation, when I discovered that I’d have a new addition, which I would never read, to adorn my shelf.  To fully understand this concept, please read my explanation on How To Live The Best Fake Life You Can [...]

Dear Midwest, Without You I’d Be Famous

Dear Midwest, Without You I’d Be Famous

→  June 6, 2009 35

You know your hair is too long when you have to start using conditioner meant for a horse.  Gees, people.  I’m just saying.  But on a side note, it works rather nicely.  So I’ve heard. People always ask me, actually they harshly criticize and often yell at me, for the fact that I’ve never moved out of this God-forsaken craphole [...]

I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Sunscreen

I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Sunscreen

→  June 1, 2009 41

 I’m the only person in the world who used to like the Sunscreen Song back in my high school days.   You know what I’m talking about… the one where Baz Leurman reads profound advice from a ‘99 valedictorian speech, accompanied by “ooo’s” from the all boys choir in the background?  The song ends with “trust me on the [...]

Dear Universe,

Dear Universe,

→  May 29, 2009 38

 Why dost thou continue to sabotage me?  Here I always thought you were on my side.  For the first time in my miserable, out-of-shape existence, I’m trying to do something about it.  This week, I turned a new leaf.  Whitestrips, here I come.  Jogging, here I come.  Well… I’m not really sure what whitestrips had to [...]

Kenny Chronicles: I Hate People Who Smell Like Breakfast

Kenny Chronicles: I Hate People Who Smell Like Breakfast

→  May 24, 2009 53

I haven’t said the word “sausage” for going on 15 years.  It’s a personal protest, don’t worry about it.  Unless I’m struggling to order a pizza, this usually doesn’t present a problem.  Of course, there was that time I worked at Chuck E. Cheese all four years of high school, where pizza and little kids accidentally peeing in the [...]

Here’s The Thing About Men

Here’s The Thing About Men

→  May 21, 2009 41

So I had a crush.  A big one.  I remember, it was third grade… and it was bad.  To keep things easy and confidential we’ll call him Norm.  Not to imply, by any means, that this young lad was normal… because he was not.  This is also not to imply that he was anything special… because he [...]

That Time I Didn’t Go To Barcelona On A Toy Plane

That Time I Didn’t Go To Barcelona On A Toy Plane

→  May 20, 2009 25

 Dad:  So when I got to Kentucky, I unpacked my bags and I was brushing my teeth in the hotel room… Me: yea? Dad:  But then, I realized there was something awry.  The toothpaste was really, really white and tingly. Me:  Umm… Dad:  And you’re probably realizing now, what it took me about two more minutes to realize. Me:  Oh no….NO!  [...]

That Time I Gave Up On College

That Time I Gave Up On College

→  May 11, 2009 58

I’m not very good at remembering things…birthdays, anniversaries, work outings.  Oh wait, I purposely planned to shampoo my carpets every time there was a work outing, my bad.  Anyway, this forgetfulness is what hinders me from becoming what otherwise might be, the perfect friend/girlfriend/daughter.  Maybe it’s because I hate birthdays.  And anniversaries.  In fact, I forgot my own.  I [...]

Why I Hate Women: Oh Let Me Count The Ways

Why I Hate Women: Oh Let Me Count The Ways

→  May 6, 2009 74

As usual, I couldn’t sleep.  I ended up watching a classic movie.  You know, black and white… Cary Grant…  some painfully prudish woman, who never takes off her apron and high heels.  And let me tell you something: it sucked.  Hardcore.  I know that saying you like to drink coffee and watch “old movies” on a [...]

Knock, Knock. Is Crazy There?

Knock, Knock. Is Crazy There?

→  May 2, 2009 47

Dear Last Week, Jigga, what just happened? Anxiously awaiting your reply, Blunt. Don’t you worry, if there’s one good thing that can come from having one of the most random, disturbing, and shocking weeks ever is that there is all the more to entertain you with, my dears.  I have blog material for two months at least.  *On a [...]

Breast Pumping Your Way To A Free Mocha

Breast Pumping Your Way To A Free Mocha

→  April 29, 2009 34

[This is one of my favorite blogs from ole The Daily Elephant days.  Some of you have already read it, and some have not.  Due to very disappointing and sad circumstances this week, I do not have a creative or funny thought in my head right now - so this is ALL YOU GET!  Deal with [...]