It would be in your best interest to read these... »
→ August 28, 2009
My life began in a unicorn-filled meadow, where I was fed cinnamon rolls for dinner and had sweet dreams of hot pink, glitter-filled balloons. The only thing I remember getting in trouble for was not finishing a satisfying amount of cinnamon rolls by my mother’s standard-a burden which nearly broke me. But it was my unlikely cross to bear. Each night, I painted the neighborhood [...]
→ August 21, 2009
THERE HAS BEEN A MAJOR OIL SPILL.
But first, a note from our sponsors.
Dear Everyone Who Reads This Blog Whether You Like It Or Not,
As of late, I realize that my online presence has been replaced with tumbleweeds and probably a surplus of tears. To attempt to explain exactly what has been going on, which has kept me [...]
→ August 14, 2009
As a young and awkward child, I was painfully shy and introverted. Maybe it was my jacked up teeth. Perhaps it was the acne. Or my untameable, frizzy hair before I discovered straighteners or anything other than Pert Plus. It could have been tragic the ankle-length skirts and turtlenecks enforced by my private school dress code. There’s no way of [...]
→ August 11, 2009
Boy, would they have alot to say.
When I was trying desperately to analyze my life by using the titles of random books found around my house, I received a large number of comments on the color of my walls. I even received some desperate emails begging for the name and brand of the paint. And because [...]
→ August 8, 2009
[I'm laying on the floor photographing the above picture, when my dad walks in the room]
Dad: [said like he is trying to piece together the mystery of life] Barbie. Naked. Laying on a pile of mom’s chocolate chip cookies. [laughs hysterically and then pauses for two minutes.] I don’t get it.
Well, sonofagun. Maybe I don’t either.
But my mom makes some [...]
→ August 5, 2009
It comes as absolutely zero surprise to me that my most popular post continues to be Why I Hate Women: Let Me Count The Ways. In fact, I still even get comments on it here and there. Why is this? Because everyone hates women. And in their desperation, they have found a safe place where that ideal will not [...]
→ August 1, 2009
Today, while at a routine stop at the Goodwill, I put these three items on the counter. They were exactly what I was looking for. We don’t have the time nor resources to get into the logistics of exactly why I needed this combination of items, but one could assume that I’m a third degree pervert who is [...]
→ July 30, 2009
STOP THE PRESSES! If you keep reading, you will be lost and wandering through the woods like Bambi after he got ravaged by a wolf. This is part II of a series, first you must read the Kenny Chronicles: Risky Doesn’t Begin To Describe This Business. No really, get out of here.
This is quite long, it [...]
→ July 26, 2009
Could you please unbundle your panties for a split second? I’m getting around to part II of the Kenny Chronicles: Risky Doesn’t Begin To Describe This Business, but there are more pressing matters at hand.
If I’m being honest - I never cared for Pimps. Call me a prude. Call me old-fashioned. Call me closed-minded. It’s probably [...]
→ July 24, 2009
[This is part I of a two part series, inspired by the fact that I was deleting my Myspace account. I realized that they had saved every email correspondence from the past 6 years... it was like discovering the Pompeii of my social life. There they were, all my shennanigans. Pefectly and horrifically preserved.]
PREFACE: To be a successful person in [...]
→ July 22, 2009
Let me just start by saying a big Blunt Thank You to those of you who faithfully read this blog. I started blogging when I lost my job and needed something to distract me from accidentally running into oncoming traffic realized that I wanted to write books based on my life experiences, except I couldn’t remember half of them. Yes, it could be partly [...]
→ July 17, 2009
I realize you’ve missed me, but please don’t let this hurt take a turn to Bittertown okay? I can’t deal with that kind of drama right now. I’m currently babysitting my best friend’s 6 month old. Yes, the same best friend who pumps breast milk in my car and leaves it in my fridge, okay? [...]
→ July 9, 2009
I am still going to blows with ESSENCE Magazine, which I never ordered and tried to cancel three times but have been receiving since January 1st. So before I slap you in the face with one of the best memoirs my childhood has to offer, I’d like to again use this public forum to address a little [...]
→ July 6, 2009
I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July free of sky concerts that included Neil Diamond singing “We Coming To America.” For the first time in my meager existence, I did. And it was everything I’d ever dreamed it would be.
Lately, as I’ve jogged across the blogosphere [which is about the only place I'm jogging [...]