It’s really too bad,  you know?  I had a decent shot at being normal.  My childhood had all the ingredients to cook up a perfectly functional adult woman.  I spent my days running a successful lemonade stand on our dead end street, eating Leave It To Beaver family dinners, and following my dad around in sweet [...]

So I cleaned out my garage. I know you’re thinking that sounds a little over ambitious, especially for me, however, I haven’t been able to park inside of it since I moved in two years ago.  This also wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that when it rains, my car floods.  [...]

You’ve been appearing in my mailbox for going on 4 months now.  I called you, and like a red-headed stepchild you said you had nothing to do with it, which I think might just be a bold-faced lie from the pits of hell.  You told me to send an email to cancel the subscription I never ordered, and [...]

Several years ago, I received a book in the mail on my birthday.  I hate birthdays, but I love books.  So you can imagine my elation, when I discovered that I’d have a new addition, which I would never read, to adorn my shelf.  To fully understand this concept, please read my explanation on How To Live The Best Fake Life You Can [...]

You know your hair is too long when you have to start using conditioner meant for a horse.  Gees, people.  I’m just saying.  But on a side note, it works rather nicely.  So I’ve heard. People always ask me, actually they harshly criticize and often yell at me, for the fact that I’ve never moved out of this God-forsaken craphole [...]

 I’m the only person in the world who used to like the Sunscreen Song back in my high school days.   You know what I’m talking about… the one where Baz Leurman reads profound advice from a ‘99 valedictorian speech, accompanied by “ooo’s” from the all boys choir in the background?  The song ends with “trust me on the [...]

 Why dost thou continue to sabotage me?  Here I always thought you were on my side.  For the first time in my miserable, out-of-shape existence, I’m trying to do something about it.  This week, I turned a new leaf.  Whitestrips, here I come.  Jogging, here I come.  Well… I’m not really sure what whitestrips had to [...]

I haven’t said the word “sausage” for going on 15 years.  It’s a personal protest, don’t worry about it.  Unless I’m struggling to order a pizza, this usually doesn’t present a problem.  Of course, there was that time I worked at Chuck E. Cheese all four years of high school, where pizza and little kids accidentally peeing in the [...]

So I had a crush.  A big one.  I remember, it was third grade… and it was bad.  To keep things easy and confidential we’ll call him Norm.  Not to imply, by any means, that this young lad was normal… because he was not.  This is also not to imply that he was anything special… because he [...]

 Dad:  So when I got to Kentucky, I unpacked my bags and I was brushing my teeth in the hotel room… Me: yea? Dad:  But then, I realized there was something awry.  The toothpaste was really, really white and tingly. Me:  Umm… Dad:  And you’re probably realizing now, what it took me about two more minutes to realize. Me:  Oh no….NO!  [...]

I’m not very good at remembering things…birthdays, anniversaries, work outings.  Oh wait, I purposely planned to shampoo my carpets every time there was a work outing, my bad.  Anyway, this forgetfulness is what hinders me from becoming what otherwise might be, the perfect friend/girlfriend/daughter.  Maybe it’s because I hate birthdays.  And anniversaries.  In fact, I forgot my own.  I [...]

As usual, I couldn’t sleep.  I ended up watching a classic movie.  You know, black and white… Cary Grant…  some painfully prudish woman, who never takes off her apron and high heels.  And let me tell you something: it sucked.  Hardcore.  I know that saying you like to drink coffee and watch “old movies” on a [...]

Dear Last Week, Jigga, what just happened? Anxiously awaiting your reply, Blunt. Don’t you worry, if there’s one good thing that can come from having one of the most random, disturbing, and shocking weeks ever is that there is all the more to entertain you with, my dears.  I have blog material for two months at least.  *On a [...]

[This is one of my favorite blogs from ole The Daily Elephant days.  Some of you have already read it, and some have not.  Due to very disappointing and sad circumstances this week, I do not have a creative or funny thought in my head right now - so this is ALL YOU GET!  Deal with [...]