My life began in a unicorn-filled meadow, where I was fed cinnamon rolls for dinner and had sweet dreams of hot pink, glitter-filled balloons.  The only thing I remember getting in trouble for was not finishing a satisfying amount of cinnamon rolls by my mother’s standard-a burden which nearly broke me.  But it was my unlikely cross to bear.  Each night, I painted the neighborhood [...]

THERE HAS BEEN A MAJOR OIL SPILL. But first, a note from our sponsors. Dear Everyone Who Reads This Blog Whether You Like It Or Not, As of late, I realize that my online presence has been replaced with tumbleweeds and probably a surplus of tears.  To attempt to explain exactly what has been going on, which has kept me [...]

As a young and awkward child, I was painfully shy and introverted.  Maybe it was my jacked up teeth.  Perhaps it was the acne.  Or my untameable, frizzy hair before I discovered straighteners or anything other than Pert Plus.  It could have been tragic the ankle-length skirts and turtlenecks enforced by my private school dress code. There’s no way of [...]

Boy, would they have alot to say. When I was trying desperately to analyze my life by using the titles of random books found around my house, I received a large number of comments on the color of my walls.  I even received some desperate emails begging for the name and brand of the paint.  And because [...]

[I'm laying on the floor photographing the above picture, when my dad walks in the room] Dad:  [said like he is trying to piece together the mystery of life]  Barbie.  Naked.  Laying on a pile of mom’s chocolate chip cookies. [laughs hysterically and then pauses for two minutes.] I don’t get it. Well, sonofagun.  Maybe I don’t either. But my mom makes some [...]

It comes as absolutely zero surprise to me that my most popular post continues to be Why I Hate Women: Let Me Count The Ways.  In fact, I still even get comments on it here and there.  Why is this?  Because everyone hates women.  And in their desperation, they have found a safe place where that ideal will not [...]

Today, while at a routine stop at the Goodwill, I put these three items on the counter.  They were exactly what I was looking for.  We don’t have the time nor resources to get into the logistics of exactly why I needed this combination of items, but one could assume that I’m a third degree pervert who is [...]

STOP THE PRESSES! If you keep reading, you will be lost and wandering through the woods like Bambi after he got ravaged by a wolf.  This is part II of a series, first you must read the Kenny Chronicles: Risky Doesn’t Begin To Describe This Business. No really, get out of here. This is quite long, it [...]

Could you please unbundle your panties for a split second?  I’m getting around to part II of the Kenny Chronicles: Risky Doesn’t Begin To Describe This Business, but there are more pressing matters at hand. If I’m being honest - I never cared for Pimps.  Call me a prude. Call me old-fashioned.  Call me closed-minded.  It’s probably [...]

[This is part I of a two part series, inspired by the fact that I was deleting my Myspace account.  I realized that they had saved every email correspondence from the past 6 years... it was like discovering the Pompeii of my social life. There they were, all my shennanigans.  Pefectly and horrifically preserved.] PREFACE:  To be a successful person in [...]

Let me just start by saying a big Blunt Thank You to those of you who faithfully read this blog.  I started blogging when I lost my job and needed something to distract me from accidentally running into oncoming traffic realized that I wanted to write books based on my life experiences, except I couldn’t remember half of them.  Yes, it could be partly [...]

I realize you’ve missed me, but please don’t let this hurt take a turn to Bittertown okay?  I can’t deal with that kind of drama right now.  I’m currently babysitting my best friend’s 6 month old.  Yes, the same best friend who pumps breast milk in my car and leaves it in my fridge, okay?  [...]

I am still going to blows with ESSENCE Magazine, which I never ordered and tried to cancel three times but have been receiving since January 1st.  So before I slap you in the face with one of the best memoirs my childhood has to offer, I’d like to again use this public forum to address a little [...]

I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July free of sky concerts that included Neil Diamond singing “We Coming To America.”  For the first time in my meager existence, I did.  And it was everything I’d ever dreamed it would be. Lately, as I’ve jogged across the blogosphere [which is about the only place I'm jogging [...]