2009 March | Blunt Delivery

Kenny Chronicles: Technologically Challenged

→ March 22, 2009 26

So Kenny, my metrosexual best friend and I are doing some errands around town, when my mom calls: Mom: I have a pretty serious problem. Me: What’s wrong?!? Mom: I can’t watch any of my shows. And Dancing With The Stars is premiering tonight and I can’t watch that either! Me: Why? Do you want me to tape it? Mom: Well your dad [...]

What Women Really Want Part II

→ March 21, 2009 61

Come on in. Pop open a cold one (non-alcoholic, of course, cus I need you to keep it classy and focus on what I’m saying). Grab all your friends and sit Indian style on the mat. Please don’t be concerned if you can’t sit Indian style, the more important problem is, why don’t you have any friends? Men, I especially want [...]

Are You The Sheriff Of Losertown?

→ March 20, 2009 34

It’s time for some tough love. This is one instance where I do encourage you to follow in the footsteps of my petite and sufficiently pumice-stoned feet. There comes a time in your life when you realize that the majority of your friends are on the slow train to nowhere. Such a time came for me about three years ago. My [...]

How to Live the Best Fake Life You Can Imagine

→ March 19, 2009 12

So the other day I wander into the Salvation Army. Why? Because it’s across the street from where I work. And because I’m looking for some props for a photo shoot. Ok. And because I’m poor. Why do our conversations always consist of you making me feel like crap? Anyway, WHY I went there isn’t what’s [...]

Look, Do You Want To Die?

→ March 18, 2009 40

I’m sure you’d never guess it now, but I was a strange child. I grew up in the country so my days consisted of collecting caterpillars, creating my own farmer’s market, and attempting to build tree forts that definately endangered the safety of not only my life but also of my one neighbor friend that [...]

An Almost-Hot Ghetto Mess

→ March 18, 2009 29

So my microwave broke. again. Oh, you didn’t know it also broke two weeks ago? Well why the heck not? What kind of a shoddy, second-rate internet stalker are you? Get out. And don’t come back until you’re ready to bring your “A” Game. Well, two weeks ago, my microwave broke. It’s less than a year old and [...]

A Post-It Would Have Been Better

→ March 14, 2009 61

My first “breakup” occurred in Middle School. Granted, we’d never gone on one single date, but we definately ate lunch together and stuff. I remember it as clearly as the white turtleneck dickie that so unfortunately adorned my collarbone. Within one split second of reaching my locker, I went from being a girl with a [...]

I Dated A Slumdog Millionaire

→ March 13, 2009 31

When I watched the Oscars, I thought to myself, “What the heck is this movie that just won everything? And why haven’t I heard of it? And why does it have such a dumb name?” Well, after seeing an interview with the main star Dev Patel, it occured to me that I dated him. OH, and [...]

Dear Chris Brown,

→ March 13, 2009 24

I apologize if none of this makes sense. Someone just smacked me upside the head. I’m currently asphyxiated by the fumes of scrubbing bubbles. Considering I don’t clean my shower until it’s borderline orange (but I can’t ever tell because the lights are always so dim) (I can’t help it my dad’s an electrician and [...]

Dilemma: Finding “The One”

→ March 13, 2009 17

Lately, I’ve received alot of questions to the effect of “how do I find the one?” Well, it just so happens that I have more than a few answers up my very svelte sleeve. I’ve spent weeks, possibly even months [if I were to have logged all my time] researching and compiling data for what [...]

Nitemare On Ex Street

→ March 13, 2009 8

I had the most horrifying dream of my life last night. I woke up in a cold sweat, my heart was pounding, thoughts were racing… Usually, I don’t have nitemares of this magnitude, but this was a rare exception. The content of this dream may not be suitable for viewers under the age of 17. So [...]

Middle School Misfortune

→ March 6, 2009 16

To say that I was an awkward middle-schooler would be to say that grass is green. Or Obama is the Messiah. Or half of my teeth need fillings. There were so many things wrong with me that I might actually have been considered “cute.” In an unfortunate kind of way, of course. My parents always did [...]

Also published on »March, 2009«

Kenny Chronicles: Technologically Challenged

What Women Really Want Part II

Are You The Sheriff Of Losertown?

How to Live the Best Fake Life You Can Imagine

Look, Do You Want To Die?

An Almost-Hot Ghetto Mess

A Post-It Would Have Been Better

I Dated A Slumdog Millionaire

Dear Chris Brown,

Dilemma: Finding “The One”

Nitemare On Ex Street

Middle School Misfortune

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