I Dated A Slumdog Millionaire

Posted on March 13th, 2009 at 11:53 pm by blunt delivery

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I Dated A Slumdog Millionaire

When I watched the Oscars, I thought to myself, “What the heck is this movie that just won everything?  And why haven’t I heard of it?  And why does it have such a dumb name?” 

Well, after seeing an interview with the main star Dev Patel, it occured to me that I dated him.  OH, and I finally watched it = amazing.

You know that British ex-boyfriend I always mention, but never really talk about?   Well, it’s time we cross that bridge and then burn it for good.  The ex was a British-Indian.  I met him through my roommate when I studied abroad in London.   We all had alot of fun and he had one of the kindest dispositions of anyone I’d ever met.  And no, he didn’t have the “do you want slushi?” Indian accent, but the hot British one.  Please give a girl a little bit of credit.   However, he looked exactly like this Dev Patel guy, who is also a British Indian.  Cardigan sweater and all.

[WARNING: the following is not uplifting by any stretch of the imagination]

Several months after I returned, he came here to study abroad. A while thereafter we developed a relationship.  I would then discover he was rather wealthy.  His family founded the retail store New Look, which is now the largest women’s clothing store in all of Europe.  His uncle was a knight and also a New York Times bestselling author, and his cousin started the popular cosmetic line Pout.  Needless to say, everyone in his family was brilliant and wildly successful. 

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only shocking discovery.  He was also on 150 mg of Methadone a day (that stuff Anna Nicole Smith died of).  Me: ”Gee, what on earth are you on so much medication for?”  Slumdog:  ”It keeps me from having heroin withdrawls.”  Jigga what now?  He was also dependent on a large variety of anti-depressants and painkillers. 

I know you’re all wondering why a seemingly smart gal like me would get tangled up with someone of this caliber. Please keep in mind that when I met the charming young slumdog, he was stabalized on methadone, thus, he acted completely normal.  Also keep in mind that drug addicts are world class liars.   He had won several medals in this category. 

Well, there’s a problem with the United States: Methadone is illegal here.  When he couldn’t refill his perscription, he resorted back to heroin:  $300 a day to be exact.  Now you’re wondering why I didn’t leave right then.  There are two reasons I didn’t.  Although I did break up with him, I still had to at least try to help.   I was naive to the world of drugs and the power that they have over people, but he left his entire life to come be with me - sadly, I feel he was desperate for someone to like him not just for his money.   So after learning of the heroin, I spent two trying rehabilitation, intervention, medical efforts, and disguising his illness at the loss of many personal relationships and my own business, only to discover he had been an addict since the age of 13, when his mom got sick, and there was never any hope of recovery.    

[insert : the beginning of my trip to crazytown] 

MY ADVICE TO YOU:  Don’t fall in love with a slumdog millionaire.  Or anyone who resembles a guy who played one in a movie.

On a rare and serious note,  there’s  nothing that can console a person when they watch someone they love slowly killing themselves.   When you’re screaming at the top of your lungs and crying hysterically, but all they can do is look back at you with a blank and silent stare - it’s pretty painful.  If you have a friend that is going through something like this,  chances are they will look for consolation in all the wrong places.   Chances are, you will judge them.  Please don’t.

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