Oh, That’s Why My Relationships Sucked

Posted on April 25th, 2009 at 3:41 am by blunt delivery

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Oh, That’s Why My Relationships Sucked

I’m feeling rather nostalgic tonight.  And nothing good ever comes from that.

As I was sitting here wondering why Moccasins haven’t tried to make a comeback this summer, I got to thinking about my past relationships.  Was there a common thread that linked these terrible relationships?  Was I the worst judge of character ever to walk the planet, or were they all just Psycho McPossessivePants?  What was it?  As always, I put on my Wonder Woman custume, and began my quest for harsh answers…

Smack dab in the middle of eating tacos for the 13th consecutive day and browsing through old photos, an epiphany shone down from the heavens.  All of the rationalizing and excuse-making I’d done over the years had absolutely nothing to do with why those relationships didn’t work out.  It was something far greater than that, right there, whispering in my jaded ear, and I never paid it any attention.  The problem, precisely, was the letter “J.”  

I admit, I have a thing for “J’s”… And they have a thing for me.  I’m drawn to them like a magnet.  Except when we try to date it’s like a spontaneous combustion of everything that is difficult in the world.   I.E:  James, the slumdog millionaire;  Jonny my first breakup, J___, the inspiration behind my most recent Chicken Soup for the Soul story;  Jake, who first contacted me through Myspace  -as if that wasn’t my first clue;  Joe, the person in this story, who introduced me to my meterosexual best friend Kenny.  Just to name a few.  Wait, did I just go and use everyone’s real names?  Wait, what’s that -my backspace is on fritz?  Oh, snap. 

Phew.  Well the search is over.  And now at least I know that none of this had anything to do with me. 

In conclusion I’d like to announce that I’m officially off the market for all J’s… and gays. 

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