As usual, I couldn’t sleep. I ended up watching a classic movie. You know, black and white… Cary Grant… some painfully prudish woman, who never takes off her apron and high heels. And let me tell you something: it sucked. Hardcore. I know that saying you like to drink coffee and watch “old movies” on a rainy day makes you sound like you can appreciate the finer things in life -but guess what? I don’t homeslice. The fuzzy spots on the screen are a nightmare for an easily distracted person such as myself, the humor is…wait, what humor? The music is ridiculous, and I have two words for the storylines: lame. But you know what? I think I’ll keep it on my shelf so people can still think of me as someone who appreciates old movies. I’ll set it right next to my antique copy of War & Peace that I’m not even going to pretend that I’ve ever cracked open, which looks great right next to my vintage suitcase that I never used.
And while we’re on the subject of things I don’t like: how about women.
I used to like everyone, assuming people were nice until proven otherwise. Now that I’ve grown and experienced the world a bit… well, let’s just say I’ve grown. When I think back on it, women really haven’t changed all that much since elementary school. I was hoping that when I got past college, they would stabalize. Nope. Still crazy. Although the reasons behind the craziness may have changed with time, they are still, very much, crazy. Hating people for no good reason. Flipping out on poor unsuspecting men. Bursting with ravenous jealousy. I can’t even count how many women I’ve been told that hate me, that have never actually talked to me. 
[FOURTH GRADE -there were three of us who were "best friends"]
Me: Hey Annie, wanna come over tonight and we can organize our sticker collections? [Yes, we really had them]
Annie: Um, actually, I’m going to Becky’s house after school. Oh, I don’t think I told you that we had a talk and she wants to be “secret best friends” with JUST me. Isn’t that mean?
Me: Psssh. YEA! I thought we were all best friends?
Annie: Yea, but she wants to leave you out.
Me: Well did you tell her that was a stupid, crappy idea?
Annie: Well, actually…. we ARE secret best friends now.
Me: UM, does it mean nothing to you that we have three-way best friend NECKLACES, huh, you dirty tramp?!
[SOPHOMORE YEAR]
Friend: [leaning in so close to me that I'm forced inside my locker] Amber doesn’t like you.
Me: What? Who the heck is Amber?
Friend: The girl who hangs out with Margie.
Me: Well, I don’t care. I don’t even know the girl.
Friend: But she’s totally spreading rumors about you.
Me: What the? Rumors? Well, did she even mention WHY she doesn’t like me?
Friend: Well, she likes Andy. But Andy likes you.
Me: Well, how can I help THAT? Besides, I wouldn’t date Andy in a million years.
Friend: Doesn’t matter. She’s pissed. She’s telling everyone you’re a spoiled beotch.
Me: Spoiled? I work at Chuck E. Cheese and drive a 1964 Dodge.

[LAST YEAR -I worked with 40 other women, so.. you can imagine]
Me: You know who I really like? Sandy. She’s so nice.
Co-worker: OH, thats weird. Cus Sandy is not a fan of you.
Me: Not a fan?
Co-worker: I overheard her talking to someone, but I can’t say who. Anyway, she said that the boss favors you cus you got Employee of the Month again.
Me: But I out-performed everyone in the department? They would be breaking their own rules by not giving it to me.
Co-worker: Well I don’t know. That’s just what I overheard.
Me: Well, I’m not gonna suck at everything so Sandy will like me.
Co-worker: I’d try to stay on her good side if I were you. She’s telling everyone that you’re cheating on your boyfriend.
Me: WTF? I don’t even have a boyfriend.
OTHER RELATED POSTS:
Why I Hate Women Part 7 of 8,964: Mind Warp Trivia
Why I Hate Women: Part 6 of 7,893
Dear Haters, Why Do You Love Me So Much?
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May 21st, 2009 → 2:30 am
[...] Why I Hate Women: Oh Let Me Count The Ways [...]
May 21st, 2009 → 9:40 pm
[...] Why I Hate Women: Oh Let Me Count The Ways [...]
June 9th, 2009 → 4:50 pm
[...] book, perhaps? A biography of a classic Hollywood actress, whose black and white movies I refuse to watch? Oh, what ever could it [...]
July 26th, 2009 → 12:26 am
[...] my evil East Coast twin. She’s brunette. She’s non-girly. Women immediately hate her and think she’s out to rob them of their man, their life, and their happiness. But [...]
August 5th, 2009 → 5:42 pm
[...] comes as absolutely zero surprise to me that my most popular post continues to be Why I Hate Women: Let Me Count The Ways. In fact, I still even get comments on it here and there. Why is this? Because everyone hates [...]
October 8th, 2009 → 7:34 pm
[...] In case you missed the first installment, please check out Why I Hate Women: Let Me Count The Ways and then because I got equal amounts of hater/lover responses to said blog, please check out my [...]