dating advice and relationships

Who is this wordy genius?

I am the artist formerly known as The Daily Elephant or ‘Lil Phant. After spending several years in anonymity, I have decided to come out of my pathetically small but extremely well-organized closet and expose myself. I used to keep myself a mystery as not to expose my co-workers, family, or friends - but mainly, my co-workers. My friends resigned to the idea long ago that I could turn them into a public mockery at any moment. Of course, all of that cautionary consideration exploded in my face when I lost my job anyway.

So did I cry big, fat elephant tears and eat myself ugly? Well, considering I fell victim to the banking scam of the century, and their stock is worth less than the junior bacon cheeseburger I just ate from the dollar menu, I’m not taking it “personally.”

Nonetheless, that’s what you call a blunt delivery. The most only upsetting part about that was that I had a sweet parking spot secured, considering I was Employee of the Month six times. Go figure.

So what occupies my time when I’m not saving the world with one piece of observational sarcasm at a time or mourning over the loss of my once svelte abs? Well, losing my job finally gave me the time I needed to start fulfilling my dream of being a stay-at-home, un-showered writer. Always a silver lining, friends, always. Also, in the midst of my grief and over-eating, I discovered a love for photography, which you can see here.

I am still un-married and childless, which brings me to my next point: I am a commitment-phobe. I’ll cross that shaky, domestic bridge when I’m good and ready. But when I am good and ready, you better believe that I’m not shelling out $20 grand on a celebration that involves me trying to make it through an entire day without spilling on my very uncomfortable and binding dress, while talking to people I haven’t seen or thought about since the late 90’s.

A little bit about this website. Blunt Delivery is multi-faceted website/ masterpiece, in other words, a rather large, confusing monstrosity. If you’re new, you can read more about that here. Although I find it painstakingly difficult to adhere to any kind of theme or format, I feel that you should know what to expect when you visit here. Topics of possible discussion on this website could be my Leave It To Beaver childhood to the 3-4 year span when I lost my dammed mind and everything in between. “Everything in between” might possibly include:

any or all of my failed relationships with inappropriate men
college life in London
why I hate women, or more importantly why they hate me
various European excursions
my positive, yet seemingly jaded views on just about everything
my British-millionaire-boyfriend-turned-heroin-addict
my extensive and unexplainable commitment issues
my almost-engagement in Paris
getting robbed six times in one year
getting hit by a drunk driver and left with a permanent hole in my head
daily adventures with my metrosexual best friend, Kenny
my 3-4 year trip to Crazytown
my brief stint in the beauty pageant arena
that time I ran away to Mexico
quitting college to open my own retail store
quitting my retail store to go to massage therapy school
quitting massage therapy school to work at a bank
losing my job from said bank even though I was their top performer
not learning from my mistakes
oh, and Neil Diamond. cus boy do I ever hate him

Something we should just get out of the way: if you’re looking for tips, facts, or other useful information – I’m afraid you’re going to be extremely let down by me. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment. By that, I don’t mean that you shouldn’t frequently visit this website, rather I mean that you should learn to expect less. If you apply that to all aspects of life, you’ll be much happier. This website is for entertainment and therapy purposes only…yours and mine. Mostly, mine. The opinions expressed on this website are entirely my own, yet I wish not to be held liable for any of it. I also may have stolen some of your pictures off of google along the way. If that’s the case, just chill, I can remove them if you’re gonna have a hissy fit. As long as all of this is clear, welcome, friend.

Oh, and my nail polish is always chipping. It’s super attractive.

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