There is more where that came from »Relationships«
→ May 6, 2009
As usual, I couldn’t sleep. I ended up watching a classic movie. You know, black and white… Cary Grant… some painfully prudish woman, who never takes off her apron and high heels. And let me tell you something: it sucked. Hardcore. I know that saying you like to drink coffee and watch “old movies” on a [...]
→ April 29, 2009
[This is one of my favorite blogs from ole The Daily Elephant days. Some of you have already read it, and some have not. Due to very disappointing and sad circumstances this week, I do not have a creative or funny thought in my head right now - so this is ALL YOU GET! Deal with [...]
→ April 25, 2009
I’m feeling rather nostalgic tonight. And nothing good ever comes from that.
As I was sitting here wondering why Moccasins haven’t tried to make a comeback this summer, I got to thinking about my past relationships. Was there a common thread that linked these terrible relationships? Was I the worst judge of character ever to walk the [...]
→ April 18, 2009
Hold on to your clip on ties. I want you to pop a squat and take a moment to regret all the stupid decisions that you’ve made today. And since you’re probably gonna break a sweat, I’m gonna cool you off with a tropical breeze of insightful knowledge.
My mom gave me a vaccuum and a cactus as a housewarming [...]
→ April 1, 2009
I want you all to know that it’s so deliriously late right now that I don’t even have any midnight oil left, I’m running on fumes. Or smoke. Or whatever would be left after you’ve burnt a crap ton of oil. Coldplay is my only companion at such an hour, so consider yourselves a priority. And I’m about to mesmerize [...]
→ March 26, 2009
I have problems. Many, actually. But we have bigger fish to fry. You wanna know who has bigger problems than me? Creeptowns. On my old blog, I wrote a few warnings about Creeptowns, which I haven’t yet incorporated into this website. But this is a matter so dear, so close to my heart, that I cannot bear [...]
→ March 25, 2009
So, I’m laying in my bed working.
…I’m also eating lasagna that is scorched on the bottom and ice cold on the top because my microwave is still on the fritz and I had to try to reheat it in a pan on the stove, which doesn’t work quite as swimmingly as I’d anticipated.
…I’m also contemplating whether or not [...]
→ March 21, 2009
Come on in. Pop open a cold one (non-alcoholic, of course, cus I need you to keep it classy and focus on what I’m saying). Grab all your friends and sit Indian style on the mat. Please don’t be concerned if you can’t sit Indian style, the more important problem is, why don’t you have any friends? Men, I especially want [...]
→ March 20, 2009
It’s time for some tough love. This is one instance where I do encourage you to follow in the footsteps of my petite and sufficiently pumice-stoned feet.
There comes a time in your life when you realize that the majority of your friends are on the slow train to nowhere. Such a time came for me about three years ago. My [...]
→ March 14, 2009
My first “breakup” occurred in Middle School. Granted, we’d never gone on one single date, but we definately ate lunch together and stuff. I remember it as clearly as the white turtleneck dickie that so unfortunately adorned my collarbone. Within one split second of reaching my locker, I went from being a girl with a [...]
→ March 13, 2009
When I watched the Oscars, I thought to myself, “What the heck is this movie that just won everything? And why haven’t I heard of it? And why does it have such a dumb name?”
Well, after seeing an interview with the main star Dev Patel, it occured to me that I dated him. OH, and [...]
→ March 13, 2009
Lately, I’ve received alot of questions to the effect of “how do I find the one?” Well, it just so happens that I have more than a few answers up my very svelte sleeve. I’ve spent weeks, possibly even months [if I were to have logged all my time] researching and compiling data for what [...]
→ March 13, 2009
I had the most horrifying dream of my life last night. I woke up in a cold sweat, my heart was pounding, thoughts were racing… Usually, I don’t have nitemares of this magnitude, but this was a rare exception.
The content of this dream may not be suitable for viewers under the age of 17. So [...]
→ February 26, 2009
man: (dials 1-800-FANDANGO)
(rings….rings….rings…)
automated FANDANGO lady: Thank you for calling 1-800-FANDANGO, now powered by Lifesearch. (beep…beep…beep…) i’m sorry, i didn’t get that. if you’re calling from the Netherlands, please press 1, for a different location, press 2.
man: ? but wait, i didn’t even say anything yet. (presses 2)
lady: i’m sorry. i still didn’t hear you. please [...]
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