frequently asked questions

FAQs

Like sands through the hourglass… so are the days of my existence.

Go grab any flavor (but you’ll be hard pressed to find ranch around here because that is some nasty crap) of reduced-fat Sun Chips (I’m not implying that you’re fat, but after you’ve been “putting on a few” for 10 years straight it wouldn’t kill you to cut a few calories here and there) turn on some smooth jazz (I feel my this blog is read best when set to this type of music), open your minds (and your hearts), and pull up a mismatched recliner in this virtual living room… because it’s time for a little Q&A.

Why did you previously call yourself The Daily Elephant?

If you’re wondering why I ever called myself The Daily Elephant, then you’ll be wondering for quite awhile. I’ve wracked my brain up and down, and can’t come up with one. single. reason. I had come up with a ton of clever and amazingly witty blog names. Unfortunately, so did all of the other people who had already taken them. So then I just tried to think of something NO ONE would ever want or have. Well I did. But then, I didn’t even want it because, seriously, what kind of a name is The Daily Elephant? And for some reason, when I chose the name, it never once crossed my mind that people might think my blog was about Republicans or Elephants.

Do you really have a hole in the side of your head from a car accident?

Have you read my blogs? Do I seem like someone who has all the pieces of my head in order? You can make fun of me for that here.

When you were 18, did you really empty out your savings account and fly to Mexico?

The way you word that it makes me sound so irresponsible. And yes, I did. We lived in a dorm in the mountains, (in Veracruz) where I accidentally used the water to brush my teeth and got amoebic dysentery. Again, that charming memory can be found here. That’s what I get for heeding the advice of my dentist. I spent my days trying to teach the locals how to say Walmart (which was endlessly amusing and futile since they can’t pronounce the letter “W”), and having random people with Virgin Mary statues on their dashboards take us to see various pyramids and Mayan ruins. There was one picture in that entire dorm and it was of Charlie Chaplin.

Did you really drop out of college?

Did Bill Gates drop out of college?

And massage therapy school?

Does your mom make a mean casserole?

And every other program you’ve ever started?

Does the sight of Neil Diamond send shivers down my spine?

Why do you hate Neil Diamond so much?

Please refer to 7 Reasons to Despise Neil Diamond for a more thorough explanation.

Who is Kenny from “The Kenny Chronicles?”

Kenny is the fake name for my best guy friend. He’s very metro. He’s also the marshmallow in my hot chocolate.

Did you really go to school in London and end up meeting a Britsh guy who moved to America for you and then turned out to be a multi-millionaire / heroin addict?

What is this the Spanish Inquisition? I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question.

Did you really get coerced into entering a beauty pageant for scholarship money?

Yes, yes I did. And you can read about that pleasant experience in my blog Teenage Acne and an Italian Boyfriend.

But why would you let that happen when you can’t sing, dance, play an instrument, have no hand-eye coordination or experience, and hate beauty pageants?

That’s a good observation.