STOP THE PRESSES! If you keep reading, you will be lost and wandering through the woods like Bambi after he got ravaged by a wolf.  This is part II of a series, first you must read the Kenny Chronicles: Risky Doesn’t Begin To Describe This Business. No really, get out of here. This is quite long, it [...]

Could you please unbundle your panties for a split second?  I’m getting around to part II of the Kenny Chronicles: Risky Doesn’t Begin To Describe This Business, but there are more pressing matters at hand. If I’m being honest - I never cared for Pimps.  Call me a prude. Call me old-fashioned.  Call me closed-minded.  It’s probably [...]

[This is part I of a two part series, inspired by the fact that I was deleting my Myspace account.  I realized that they had saved every email correspondence from the past 6 years... it was like discovering the Pompeii of my social life. There they were, all my shennanigans.  Pefectly and horrifically preserved.] PREFACE:  To be a successful person in [...]

Let me just start by saying a big Blunt Thank You to those of you who faithfully read this blog.  I started blogging when I lost my job and needed something to distract me from accidentally running into oncoming traffic realized that I wanted to write books based on my life experiences, except I couldn’t remember half of them.  Yes, it could be partly [...]

I realize you’ve missed me, but please don’t let this hurt take a turn to Bittertown okay?  I can’t deal with that kind of drama right now.  I’m currently babysitting my best friend’s 6 month old.  Yes, the same best friend who pumps breast milk in my car and leaves it in my fridge, okay?  [...]

I am still going to blows with ESSENCE Magazine, which I never ordered and tried to cancel three times but have been receiving since January 1st.  So before I slap you in the face with one of the best memoirs my childhood has to offer, I’d like to again use this public forum to address a little [...]

I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July free of sky concerts that included Neil Diamond singing “We Coming To America.”  For the first time in my meager existence, I did.  And it was everything I’d ever dreamed it would be. Lately, as I’ve jogged across the blogosphere [which is about the only place I'm jogging [...]

I have never, nor will I ever return my cart to the cart corral. Is that what they’re called?  There’s a more than staggering chance that at some point, your car has been side-swiped by a cart that I’ve left wandering aimlessly throughout the parking lot.  But with the economy the way it is and unemployment [...]

No, this isn’t a tribute to Michael Jackson.  Hi, you must be new here.  Pleasure to meet you; although I hate the word “pleasure” and refuse to use it accept over internet introductions. As mentioned, last Thursday was my much unanticipated and begrudged birthday.  Although I didn’t exactly get what I wanted - which was another year of my [...]

That would be an exact quote from my loving, very proud, first-time father the moment I was born into this world.  I thought for years this was due to the fact that he had never seen a newborn in all it’s alien likeness before; however, my mom set the record straight when she told me I was indeed, [...]

My father, a self-proclaimed hippie and raging alcoholic until the day he met my gorgeous mother, wore a brown leisure suit and platform shoes to his wedding.  I forgive him for this offense, only because my mother wore a black, sparkly pantsuit. ALERT: I’m about to get all personal up on this blog.  Something which few [...]

It’s really too bad,  you know?  I had a decent shot at being normal.  My childhood had all the ingredients to cook up a perfectly functional adult woman.  I spent my days running a successful lemonade stand on our dead end street, eating Leave It To Beaver family dinners, and following my dad around in sweet [...]

So I cleaned out my garage. I know you’re thinking that sounds a little over ambitious, especially for me, however, I haven’t been able to park inside of it since I moved in two years ago.  This also wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that when it rains, my car floods.  [...]

You’ve been appearing in my mailbox for going on 4 months now.  I called you, and like a red-headed stepchild you said you had nothing to do with it, which I think might just be a bold-faced lie from the pits of hell.  You told me to send an email to cancel the subscription I never ordered, and [...]

Several years ago, I received a book in the mail on my birthday.  I hate birthdays, but I love books.  So you can imagine my elation, when I discovered that I’d have a new addition, which I would never read, to adorn my shelf.  To fully understand this concept, please read my explanation on How To Live The Best Fake Life You Can [...]

You know your hair is too long when you have to start using conditioner meant for a horse.  Gees, people.  I’m just saying.  But on a side note, it works rather nicely.  So I’ve heard. People always ask me, actually they harshly criticize and often yell at me, for the fact that I’ve never moved out of this God-forsaken craphole [...]

 I’m the only person in the world who used to like the Sunscreen Song back in my high school days.   You know what I’m talking about… the one where Baz Leurman reads profound advice from a ‘99 valedictorian speech, accompanied by “ooo’s” from the all boys choir in the background?  The song ends with “trust me on the [...]

 Why dost thou continue to sabotage me?  Here I always thought you were on my side.  For the first time in my miserable, out-of-shape existence, I’m trying to do something about it.  This week, I turned a new leaf.  Whitestrips, here I come.  Jogging, here I come.  Well… I’m not really sure what whitestrips had to [...]

I haven’t said the word “sausage” for going on 15 years.  It’s a personal protest, don’t worry about it.  Unless I’m struggling to order a pizza, this usually doesn’t present a problem.  Of course, there was that time I worked at Chuck E. Cheese all four years of high school, where pizza and little kids accidentally peeing in the [...]

So I had a crush.  A big one.  I remember, it was third grade… and it was bad.  To keep things easy and confidential we’ll call him Norm.  Not to imply, by any means, that this young lad was normal… because he was not.  This is also not to imply that he was anything special… because he [...]