Dad:  So when I got to Kentucky, I unpacked my bags and I was brushing my teeth in the hotel room… Me: yea? Dad:  But then, I realized there was something awry.  The toothpaste was really, really white and tingly. Me:  Umm… Dad:  And you’re probably realizing now, what it took me about two more minutes to realize. Me:  Oh no….NO!  [...]

I’m not very good at remembering things…birthdays, anniversaries, work outings.  Oh wait, I purposely planned to shampoo my carpets every time there was a work outing, my bad.  Anyway, this forgetfulness is what hinders me from becoming what otherwise might be, the perfect friend/girlfriend/daughter.  Maybe it’s because I hate birthdays.  And anniversaries.  In fact, I forgot my own.  I [...]

As usual, I couldn’t sleep.  I ended up watching a classic movie.  You know, black and white… Cary Grant…  some painfully prudish woman, who never takes off her apron and high heels.  And let me tell you something: it sucked.  Hardcore.  I know that saying you like to drink coffee and watch “old movies” on a [...]

Dear Last Week, Jigga, what just happened? Anxiously awaiting your reply, Blunt. Don’t you worry, if there’s one good thing that can come from having one of the most random, disturbing, and shocking weeks ever is that there is all the more to entertain you with, my dears.  I have blog material for two months at least.  *On a [...]

[This is one of my favorite blogs from ole The Daily Elephant days.  Some of you have already read it, and some have not.  Due to very disappointing and sad circumstances this week, I do not have a creative or funny thought in my head right now - so this is ALL YOU GET!  Deal with [...]

I’m feeling rather nostalgic tonight.  And nothing good ever comes from that. As I was sitting here wondering why Moccasins haven’t tried to make a comeback this summer, I got to thinking about my past relationships.  Was there a common thread that linked these terrible relationships?  Was I the worst judge of character ever to walk the [...]

It’s no wonder I don’t make any sense.  I’m a combination of two polar opposites, who by all rights, should never have met much less married.   My mother came from a nazi-strict household where she wasn’t allowed to see movies or go to fooball games, for fear she would encounter Satan himself.  She also wasn’t allowed to celebrate Christmas which explains why [...]

What exactly is it with the Recycle Bin on my desktop?  And why is it that everytime I go to empty it, I accidentally delete it?  And why is it that when I go to search for it in my computer, it says ‘no results found?’   And why is my computer trying so hard to [...]

Hold on to your clip on ties.  I want you to pop a squat and take a moment to regret all the stupid decisions that you’ve made today.  And since you’re probably gonna break a sweat, I’m gonna cool you off with a tropical breeze of insightful knowledge. My mom gave me a vaccuum and a cactus as a housewarming [...]

Dear Matthew McConaughey, Can you make a different movie already?  Wait.  What was that?  OH, you can’t.  It’s physically impossible?  Okay.  So I can just expect the same movie with the same plot, where you discover you were some sort of “bet,” and then you get fake mad, and then storm out, only to read an article that [...]

This is a snapshot of my life on any given day.  …Piles of unopened mail.  …30 different notepads with un-descipherable scribbles of random thougths that I’ve written down when I was supposed to be hanging out with someone.  After Easter, the Cadbury chocolate bar could be easily substituted for Reeses or anything but Milk Duds.  [...]

It’s Easter.  I’m sitting next to my dad in church.  All of the sudden, right before the service starts he turns to me and grabs my arm: Dad: Oh, you know what? Me: What’s that? Dad: I heard Yanni is coming out with a new cd. If this conversation isn’t the right way to kick off Easter, I don’t know [...]

I’m putting on the cloak of honesty right now.  It’s not even mine, I borrowed it permanently from a friend.  But still, you know what’s coming. Please listen carefully:  All my Facebook amigos, I love you.  Really, I do.  Because of this ingenius billion dollar idea, [that again, I couldn't seem to have thought of because I was too busy planning other people's weddings or dating [...]

I have a confession to make.  But that’s no fun, let’s talk about hair.  If I were a hairdresser, I would be my dream client.  I’m no expert on the scientific terminology of the salon world, but ”2 inches off the back” seems like a pretty easy $40, plus maybe another $5 tip depending on whether or not I’m [...]

I want you all to know that it’s so deliriously late right now that I don’t even have any midnight oil left, I’m running on fumes.  Or smoke.  Or whatever would be left after you’ve burnt a crap ton of oil.  Coldplay is my only companion at such an hour, so consider yourselves a priority.  And I’m about to mesmerize [...]

You’ve missed me.  I sense it.  And you’ve been awaiting this post like that Christmas morning when you thought you might be getting a real-life hover board.   Ironically, after scraping the ice storm off of my car yesterday, I thought it actually was Christmas morning. Not a real post today kids, just some maintenance. 1.  Cop shows.  [...]

I think now would be a perfect time to discuss goals.  Making them, keeping them.  For example, one of my goals in the New Year was to stop procrastinating. Actually, you know what?  I don’t have time for this, let’s talk about it next week.  But what I DO think we should talk about today is [...]

I have problems.  Many, actually.  But we have bigger fish to fry.  You wanna know who has bigger problems than me?  Creeptowns.   On my old blog, I wrote a few warnings about Creeptowns, which I haven’t yet incorporated into this website.  But this is a matter so dear, so close to my heart, that I cannot bear [...]

So, I’m laying in my bed working. …I’m also eating lasagna that is scorched on the bottom and ice cold on the top because my microwave is still on the fritz and I had to try to reheat it in a pan on the stove, which doesn’t work quite as swimmingly as I’d anticipated.  …I’m also contemplating whether or not [...]

The only thing that I might find creepier than Neil Diamond or V8 juice would be toddler beauty pageants.  That being said, let’s discuss the hole in my head.  Since mention of the injury in my last post seemed to cause a great deal of stress for most of you, I thought I’d take a [...]