Browsing all posts tagged under »friends«
→ July 26, 2009
Could you please unbundle your panties for a split second? I’m getting around to part II of the Kenny Chronicles: Risky Doesn’t Begin To Describe This Business, but there are more pressing matters at hand.
If I’m being honest - I never cared for Pimps. Call me a prude. Call me old-fashioned. Call me closed-minded. It’s probably [...]
→ July 17, 2009
I realize you’ve missed me, but please don’t let this hurt take a turn to Bittertown okay? I can’t deal with that kind of drama right now. I’m currently babysitting my best friend’s 6 month old. Yes, the same best friend who pumps breast milk in my car and leaves it in my fridge, okay? [...]
→ July 6, 2009
I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July free of sky concerts that included Neil Diamond singing “We Coming To America.” For the first time in my meager existence, I did. And it was everything I’d ever dreamed it would be.
Lately, as I’ve jogged across the blogosphere [which is about the only place I'm jogging [...]
→ May 29, 2009
Why dost thou continue to sabotage me? Here I always thought you were on my side. For the first time in my miserable, out-of-shape existence, I’m trying to do something about it. This week, I turned a new leaf. Whitestrips, here I come. Jogging, here I come. Well… I’m not really sure what whitestrips had to [...]
→ May 24, 2009
I haven’t said the word “sausage” for going on 15 years. It’s a personal protest, don’t worry about it. Unless I’m struggling to order a pizza, this usually doesn’t present a problem. Of course, there was that time I worked at Chuck E. Cheese all four years of high school, where pizza and little kids accidentally peeing in the [...]
→ May 20, 2009
Dad: So when I got to Kentucky, I unpacked my bags and I was brushing my teeth in the hotel room…
Me: yea?
Dad: But then, I realized there was something awry. The toothpaste was really, really white and tingly.
Me: Umm…
Dad: And you’re probably realizing now, what it took me about two more minutes to realize.
Me: Oh no….NO! [...]
→ May 11, 2009
I’m not very good at remembering things…birthdays, anniversaries, work outings. Oh wait, I purposely planned to shampoo my carpets every time there was a work outing, my bad. Anyway, this forgetfulness is what hinders me from becoming what otherwise might be, the perfect friend/girlfriend/daughter. Maybe it’s because I hate birthdays. And anniversaries. In fact, I forgot my own. I [...]
→ May 6, 2009
As usual, I couldn’t sleep. I ended up watching a classic movie. You know, black and white… Cary Grant… some painfully prudish woman, who never takes off her apron and high heels. And let me tell you something: it sucked. Hardcore. I know that saying you like to drink coffee and watch “old movies” on a [...]
→ April 18, 2009
Hold on to your clip on ties. I want you to pop a squat and take a moment to regret all the stupid decisions that you’ve made today. And since you’re probably gonna break a sweat, I’m gonna cool you off with a tropical breeze of insightful knowledge.
My mom gave me a vaccuum and a cactus as a housewarming [...]
→ April 10, 2009
I’m putting on the cloak of honesty right now. It’s not even mine, I borrowed it permanently from a friend. But still, you know what’s coming.
Please listen carefully: All my Facebook amigos, I love you. Really, I do. Because of this ingenius billion dollar idea, [that again, I couldn't seem to have thought of because I was too busy planning other people's weddings or dating [...]
→ April 7, 2009
I have a confession to make. But that’s no fun, let’s talk about hair. If I were a hairdresser, I would be my dream client. I’m no expert on the scientific terminology of the salon world, but ”2 inches off the back” seems like a pretty easy $40, plus maybe another $5 tip depending on whether or not I’m [...]
→ March 24, 2009
Every single time I get into my car, first of all, I check for flooding (yes, my car floor fills with water when it rains) and second of all, I prepare myself for the possiblity that I will commit involuntary manslaughter at some point. I might be the WORST driver in this city. Maybe even the tri-state area. [...]
→ March 20, 2009
It’s time for some tough love. This is one instance where I do encourage you to follow in the footsteps of my petite and sufficiently pumice-stoned feet.
There comes a time in your life when you realize that the majority of your friends are on the slow train to nowhere. Such a time came for me about three years ago. My [...]
→ February 25, 2009
There are two planetary certainties which occur ever time I leave the comfort of my surroundings and venture out into the cold, harsh reality that is our world:
1. I will step in gum that I myself spat out merely five seconds prior.
2. I will have an awkward encounter with an astranged friend I haven’t seen since the [...]
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