Random | Blunt Delivery

That Time I Got Scammed Into Raising Sheep

→ July 9, 2009 51

I am still going to blows with ESSENCE Magazine, which I never ordered and tried to cancel three times but have been receiving since January 1st. So before I slap you in the face with one of the best memoirs my childhood has to offer, I’d like to again use this public forum to address a little [...]

We Not Coming To America If You’re There

→ July 6, 2009 33

I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July free of sky concerts that included Neil Diamond singing “We Coming To America.” For the first time in my meager existence, I did. And it was everything I’d ever dreamed it would be. Lately, as I’ve jogged across the blogosphere [which is about the only place I'm jogging [...]

I Can’t Wait Til Our Lips Meet For 200 Seconds

→ July 2, 2009 49

I have never, nor will I ever return my cart to the cart corral. Is that what they’re called? There’s a more than staggering chance that at some point, your car has been side-swiped by a cart that I’ve left wandering aimlessly throughout the parking lot. But with the economy the way it is and unemployment [...]

Don’t Matter If You’re Black Or White. Just Pick One.

→ June 29, 2009 40

No, this isn’t a tribute to Michael Jackson. Hi, you must be new here. Pleasure to meet you; although I hate the word “pleasure” and refuse to use it accept over internet introductions. As mentioned, last Thursday was my much unanticipated and begrudged birthday. Although I didn’t exactly get what I wanted - which was another year of my [...]

That’s My Daughter? She Sure Is Stone Ugly

→ June 25, 2009 38

That would be an exact quote from my loving, very proud, first-time father the moment I was born into this world. I thought for years this was due to the fact that he had never seen a newborn in all it’s alien likeness before; however, my mom set the record straight when she told me I was indeed, [...]

Dad, You Look Like A Pencil With A Frizzy Top

→ June 22, 2009 39

My father, a self-proclaimed hippie and raging alcoholic until the day he met my gorgeous mother, wore a brown leisure suit and platform shoes to his wedding. I forgive him for this offense, only because my mother wore a black, sparkly pantsuit. ALERT: I’m about to get all personal up on this blog. Something which few [...]

Problems? Why Yes, I Can Provide Those

→ June 19, 2009 35

It’s really too bad, you know? I had a decent shot at being normal. My childhood had all the ingredients to cook up a perfectly functional adult woman. I spent my days running a successful lemonade stand on our dead end street, eating Leave It To Beaver family dinners, and following my dad around in sweet [...]

Dear Me 10 Years Ago,

→ June 16, 2009 46

So I cleaned out my garage. I know you’re thinking that sounds a little over ambitious, especially for me, however, I haven’t been able to park inside of it since I moved in two years ago. This also wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that when it rains, my car floods. [...]

Dear ESSENCE Magazine,

→ June 11, 2009 42

You’ve been appearing in my mailbox for going on 4 months now. I called you, and like a red-headed stepchild you said you had nothing to do with it, which I think might just be a bold-faced lie from the pits of hell. You told me to send an email to cancel the subscription I never ordered, and [...]

Dear Universe,

→ May 29, 2009 38

Why dost thou continue to sabotage me? Here I always thought you were on my side. For the first time in my miserable, out-of-shape existence, I’m trying to do something about it. This week, I turned a new leaf. Whitestrips, here I come. Jogging, here I come. Well… I’m not really sure what whitestrips had to [...]

That Time I Gave Up On College

→ May 11, 2009 60

I’m not very good at remembering things…birthdays, anniversaries, work outings. Oh wait, I purposely planned to shampoo my carpets every time there was a work outing, my bad. Anyway, this forgetfulness is what hinders me from becoming what otherwise might be, the perfect friend/girlfriend/daughter. Maybe it’s because I hate birthdays. And anniversaries. In fact, I forgot my own. I [...]

Why I Hate Women: Oh Let Me Count The Ways

→ May 6, 2009 146

As usual, I couldn’t sleep. I ended up watching a classic movie. You know, black and white… Cary Grant… some painfully prudish woman, who never takes off her apron and high heels. And let me tell you something: it sucked. Hardcore. I know that saying you like to drink coffee and watch “old movies” on a [...]

Knock, Knock. Is Crazy There?

→ May 2, 2009 47

Dear Last Week, Jigga, what just happened? Anxiously awaiting your reply, Blunt. Don’t you worry, if there’s one good thing that can come from having one of the most random, disturbing, and shocking weeks ever is that there is all the more to entertain you with, my dears. I have blog material for two months at least. *On a [...]

Breast Pumping Your Way To A Free Mocha

→ April 29, 2009 36

[This is one of my favorite blogs from ole The Daily Elephant days. Some of you have already read it, and some have not. Due to very disappointing and sad circumstances this week, I do not have a creative or funny thought in my head right now - so this is ALL YOU GET! Deal with [...]

Browsing all posts tagged under »random«

That Time I Got Scammed Into Raising Sheep

We Not Coming To America If You’re There

I Can’t Wait Til Our Lips Meet For 200 Seconds

Don’t Matter If You’re Black Or White. Just Pick One.

That’s My Daughter? She Sure Is Stone Ugly

Dad, You Look Like A Pencil With A Frizzy Top

Problems? Why Yes, I Can Provide Those

Dear Me 10 Years Ago,

Dear ESSENCE Magazine,

Dear Universe,

That Time I Gave Up On College

Why I Hate Women: Oh Let Me Count The Ways

Knock, Knock. Is Crazy There?

Breast Pumping Your Way To A Free Mocha

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